They say ‘Be careful what you wish for, cos you might just get it!’ Well, after weeks of me telling the lads to stop panicking about fitness, poor results and the like cos it was "Still winter, man! And it will probably snow before we see the end of March"
Well
our 4 man squad went to the Easter 4 day this weekend, where it snowed 3
out of 4 days and the conditions were what Ian McGaskill would class as
being ‘Wintry’ - D’oh!!!
All preparations were spot on. No-one forgot anything like shoes
or helmets, although our lack of Ski’s, sallapets and crampons was not to be missed til later…!
We
stopped for a meal at the Blue Bell Inn over the road from where
Russell Thompson’s house in Northumberland was/is. We arrived in the
Toon at Damian Smith ’s flat
aback of St James Park and we were a bit early so popped into the
Strawberry for a couple of pints. Just after 10pm Mr Smith arrived.
Slight problem….. the laddo who lets the house off him, was still there,
and in fact had no idea we were coming! Oops! Not the best way to
start. So after a couple of calls, a very accommodating knight in
shining armour emerged in Sir Richard of Guy. (thanks again bud!)
Phew! Turned out to be the most comfy sleep of the weekend as it happens!
STAGE 1 - How to Windtunnel test Deep section wheels in
racing conditions!! !
We
decided to ride to the start, barely 8 miles away. And we pottered up
into the teeth of a gale. Chilly, but bright sunshine – lovely.
We left Kirkley cricket club and the wind had picked up, the clouds loomed overhead and
the racing kicked off. Some of us struggled in the neutralized section – this was NOT a good
sign!
The
hammer went down as soon as we hit Dykes Neuk. We were strung out in
the left hand gutter right along to Scots Gap, one after another, riders
clipped up the road while we struggled to just hang in.
Onto
the 7 mile course, to be repeated 6 times and with about a dozen riders
away it looked to be game over. The 3 Pro team/Sponsored
team/Work-Shirk Squads or whatever you wanna call em, were all
represented. The Rapha Kaffas (all black kit!), The Sportscover yella
fellas and the Jelly Babies/Willy Wonka squad. Plus, last time I’d seen
JK, he was ahead of me, so he must have made the move too – class!
Behind it shut up shop. … Batten down the hatches would have been more appropriate, as the weather began to close in. The
wind picked up to Gale force and when we turned left at Rothley Cross
roads, you were having to fight your bike to keep it upright. You went
over a humpback bridge and a gust of wind just broadsided you with the
force of two dozen cannons. At least one rider got blown
clean off the road and into the ditch. After a lap or two of this I’d
had enough and attacked and got up the road with two others. I battered
over the windswept climb, and about 8 guys joined us.
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| MM Up the road at Rothley X roads |
I sat up on the tailwind section for a carton of drink out of my pocket and the two
guys in front eased, possibly cos they thought the bunch were closing. I refused to come through cos I was doonin me
wee swally, yer ken!
Of
course, the chase group disappeared, and I was no longer in it –
friggin taken oot the back by Dave Coulson of the Jelly Willy team!
Grrrr!!! Russell Thompson would have been spittin in his grave. He used
to curse Coulson and his lack of work in breaks etc.
So
that was that. To make things a bit interesting in the bunch, it
started to sleet quite heavy and they cut the race by a lap. On the
return leg back to the finish we were pelted by hailstones for added
effect. Barely able to see, we wound up for the sprint, many many
minutes down…. But – twas OK, cos JK was in the Break!
Millsy
had been dropped before Hartburn at 3miles, and I wasn’t too surprised
to see his bike there at the strip. Assuming he’d packed. But, nope – he HAD finished but got TWO laps cut off instead of one. Jammy get, why didn’t I think of that?!
And there was our hero – a shivering block of Ice that looked a bit like JK, except more blueish in colour.
“Well done” I said – “Were you in the break?” - His lips appeared to move in the shape of what looked like a
laugh, and he said “No, I got dropped at Hartburn after 3miles” D’oh!
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| JK on the attack (from 2 miles BEHIND back of the bunch) |
Millsy
said that his carbon bars snapped. On inspection you could see the
shear marks either side of the intergrated stem. He was lucky that they
never broke in two. He bought a replacement and some garish looking bar
tape. ‘Style’ means nowt in Dundee , apparently.
Ah well. We have 3 stages to go.
Looking
round the cricket club though, I don’t see many of the 72 starters
returning for a second doing the next day. What a
shivering, spluttering shower of shite, man. Only person that wasn’t
complaining was Wayne Randle. Everyone else looked like they’d been
fighting in the Somme ! Bunch of puffs them.
STAGE 2 - Even the Polar bears threw on a light jacket
Another bright sunny start to the day and Oh how we laughed about previous days
antics.
JK has had enough, being 10 stone wet through, he didn’t relish the prospect of 3 more days like the first
If one green bottle should accidentally fall, there’ll be 3 Metro riders, left in the race
Ben Luckwell is in the strip all kitted up ready to go, except with no lid on his nappa and in a thick and bizarrely unexpected west country accident says
:-
“Oi cant foyn moi’s helmet can oi? Manager says he seen it in carrrrrr, but oi thoughts it be left here in the strip didn oi?”
10mins before the off and it starts to snow. Someone shouts after me to put on some gloves as I chase after the bunch. The mountain course has been punted due to being covered in snow so its same course as yesterday - round Cambo and Scots Gap.
The snow gets heavier and the flag drops, so does the hammer – we pass a snowman resembling Russell Bayliss (I recognised him by
the bits of coal for his eyes. They were the same shape as his Briko’s)
Once again we are all cuddling up to our dearest friend - Mr Lefthand-Gutter. We
cautiously descend the 1:7 into Hartburn trying not to brake on the
slippy, slidey snowy bits, whilst avoiding the messy, mucky, muddy bits!
Up
the other side, total white out, cant see a thing. I was in the first
15 or so riders and getting stuck right in. It was bloody brilliant! And
then some pansy’s decide to call it a day and cancel the stage. Bunch
of friggin heemasex’s man. A was aboot ready to spark someone oot a was
that pissed off.
The temperature hit freezing point and I had to throw on
me gloves (‘Magic’ gloves - 99p from Papershops) We got back to the strip, and scraped the Ice off our helmets. Some folk had it on their crash hats too…hur hur hur etc!
After
we’d shovelled the snow off the car and set for home, we popped into
Pont café for a cup of tea in there for old times sake, and Anna the
auld Italian wifey who first served me in there 19yrs ago was still bopping
about the joint. To this day I still cannit understand a word she says
neither!! Something about ‘Bloody mad’ was mentioned. Dunno if she was
talking to herself or about us five idiots.
Our
hopes of going to the
Newcastle match were dashed by ‘Sorry – we’re sold out’ so we went to
the Trent Hoose for a couple of pints instead then popped back again for more beers
after wa tea and met Russ, Andy and JK etc.
STAGE 3 - The Ryals – How to climb a vertical wall using a Bicycle and a Dildo.
After several beers, a
few bottles of Leffe and a bottle of wine, I felt a bit rough the next morning.
Tim on the other hand, looked mega-psyched up. We left and rally drove at excessive speed and zero caution across
to Stamfordham. Much better day. Sunshine, clear skies, not so windy
but with some parts of the course with large banks of snow either side
of the road – class!
I’d instructed Millsy to stay close to the front but within a few miles it was every man for himself again.
The
Jelly Bean soyder drinker got up the road with a couple of guys, and I
tried to jump across with Chris Mather from the Azzurri. As soon as we
got pulled back, Tim shot away.
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| Tim on the attack in arctic conditions |
He got into the break of a dozen guys and was working hard with all the Raphas and Bristol Ben, Dave Cook etc.
Behind was another call of ‘Right lads – that’s the break gone, get the tabs oot. Anyone got a light?’ Damian
rode tempo on the front for almost a lap. He must have been thinking.
“I’ll teach that Tim Allan not to leave a big jobbie in my toilet” …..the break doubled its lead
I hadn’t felt too good up the brick wall that is the Ryal’s on the first lap and had a bad feeling about
lap two,
The
riders left in the bunch from the sponsored teams got on the front and
simply powered away from us mere mortals who have jobs to go to on
Tuesday. I latched onto the back (of the bunch) and simply faded away!
But
as I struggled up the 1:6 bit, there was guys coming backwards –
literally. With some of em, it was like a battle of Gravity vs Gears,
and gravity was winning! Sean Polson from the STD
Cyclesport team rode onto the snow on the verge and had to get off.. One
guy from the Sportspages team actually rode smack into a parked car!
This perked me up, and I got it in the big blade and hammered over the last part of the climb (1:7) and got back on again.
Tim
Allan had brought some drinks with him, all of which tasted like the
water I’d wrang out of my socks on day one. And some of the stuff he
brought was called ‘Protein Slam’ these were 7inch clear plastic tubes full of red syrupy liquid, and they basically looked like geet big dildo’s!!!
I
was fiddling round wi mine before the start, trying to figure out where
to insert the batteries. I wasn’t too keen on shoving a 7inch tube of
sugar up me sphincter, but - Hey! If it gets me up the Ryals nee bovva, then Im ya man!
Tim remarked that you were meant to simply unscrew the top and just DRINK IT. Far less
messy I suppose, especially after havin eaten Tims special chilli the night before. :-s
 |
| WARNING : Causes madness and insanity! |
Well
I downed one with a lap to go, and within milliseconds I was like a 3
yr old after they’ve had a Fruit Shoot and a tube of Smarties! I went
completely apeshit. I barged to the front and started hammering away,
followed by about 3 attacks off the front.
I successfully clipped off alone on the little clicks before the Ryals – “I aint getting dropped on no hills, fool” as B.A. Baracas would say (he wasn’t riding the 4 day this year, but I BET yer, he would have said that if he was) I had a canny lead approaching the foot of the steep bit, but me being a complete pleb of a rider, they were on my
tail by top.
I
big ringed the Prime again and kept it going over the top. Ashy and another guy got over to me, but we were only able to hang on
for 3 miles. Waste of time. I was about 4th in bunch sprint, and Tim was 11th or 12th on the stage and moved into 17th on GC.
No
sign of Millsy though. He had got dropped after about 10 miles of lap
one. Probably deliberately in case someone saw his ‘Red/White/Black
paint splatter bar tape that he had on his blue and black bike.
If
the
marshals had buggered off, then he could have ended up anywhere in
Northumberland and spent the night huddling together with a herd of
sheep to keep warm, so I set off looking for him. I did 11 miles with no
sight nor sound of the youngster, so you can imagine my surprise to see
his bike at the strip on my return. He HAD got lost, but came back
through Matfen on the last lap. Goodness knows how. He must have necked one of Tim’s Dildo Drinks and short circuited his young brain!!
STAGE 4 – Sunshine on a snowy
day
And so, we got to the last stage. Put back 30mins to let ice on the roads melt, it was gonna be another one of THEM days!
Allan
was keen to have a go today after spending the previous 3 days training
on his own. The bunch staggered giddily out of Stamfordham and some
southern
puff from the Sportbilly team remarked how cold it was. I retorted with
“Cold??
Yer joking aren’t yer? This is friggginn waaarm this, man” Wayne Randle then spotted my lack of gloves and burst out laughing. He
must have STILL been laughing a mile or so later. In fact laughing so
much that he fell off his bike and crashed oot the race.
It
started to snow and I attacked right from the gun and Millsy joined me.
We lasted quite well, cos it must have been a good 25m before we got
caught. Sorry, by 25m, I mean METRES, not miles. The bunch busied
themselves into a paceline up the right hand side of the road, with
Allan keen to stay far on the left. I shouted at him to get sheltered
and be quick about it…. I didn’t see Allan again.
If one metro rider calls it a day, there’ll be 2 Metro riders left in the race
We rode round the Quarry and on the descent to Matfen a soft little move of about 10 guys, dangled invitingly off the front.
On the long tailwind, straight section after Matfen the bunch just sat
up. So I did what I know best, and attacked. Young Craig Stevenson came with me.
So it was us two against the break
~ In
the Black corner, we have a Rapha Pro, Ben Luckwell and 8 other riders,
In the Red, Yellow and black corner, we have Micky Mallen and an U23
rider who cant come through. Ding Ding! Round One.
SMACK! Micky is down, he’s hit the canvas on the first punch. Fight Over!
We got close, verrrry close, to
getting on, then they must have put the hammer down, cos they simply disappeared. Two
strong lads came over to us to make a 4 man chase, and it started
snowing again. The break had gained about 16 minutes in the space of
10miles or something ridiculous like that but the four of us, likewise had quite a large lead on the bunch.
About 9miles of effort came to nowt cos Cooky and two Rapha kaffas were trying to limit their losses by working on the front.
No amount of Dildo Drinks or Extran cartons could save me legs today and
my many efforts reduced me to just hanging in for the next two laps
which were split between dark skies/heavy snow showers, and bright
sunshine!
On approaching Stamfordham
with a lap to go, Tim remarked that he was gonna climb off cos he was
getting cold (I’d put some gloves on for a wee bit) and that the racing
wasn’t hard enough for him and he’d ‘Had enough training over the last 4
days’
I thought ‘Nahhh – he’ll just be winding me up’ Sure enough, that was him
If one Metro rider packs cos he’s cold, there’s just ONE Metro rider, finishing the 4 day.
Last
lap was fast and bloody hard going. Cooky and a few
others were constantly attacking through the snow. No time to get cold,
Tim!! I was just hanging in there. A Jelly Bean attacked through the
corner at Matfen and I got dropped. Some young lad came round me and I
got a tow back to the bunch. I tried to jump away before the finish, but
there was nowt there, me legs just laughed at me! And I staggered over
the line at the back of the bunch.
26th overall I think.
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| The finishing miles of stage 4 - Temperatures plummeted and GLOVES became a essential, even for me! |
Any fitter for it? Dunno. Glad I rode? Damn right!! We coming back next year? Try and stop us!
Howay the lads
MM
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| The Mighty Metro 4 Day squad 2008 (minus JK) |
